Faceless Nightmares
by Pianoninja
Summary: It's becoming increasingly obvious that Zosia isn't over her Mother's untimely death, but there are few people that realise how much grief and guilt is actually effecting the junior doctor.
1. Chapter 1

**Ooh look at me I'm on a role today! So um this yeah this is different to what I normally write (it's not Janny based for one) but I hope you like it anyway! Also, I'd like to say thank you to MirrorSparkles1234 for inspiring me to write this fic and hope you feel better soon! xx :) **

_I'm in theatre...it's not quite normal though, something's not quite right. It's darker than normal and I request 'more light please'. A faceless figure in the corner is scrubbed up and dressed in blue, 'weird' I think to myself. It lifts it's featureless head and drags an overhead lamp near to me. The fiery, blinding light suddenly illuminates my surroundings. I look down and the first thing I notice is that my scrubs are almost submerged in thick red blood. It seems to be climbing up my legs from a deep puddle on the floor. As I look up I see there are three other faceless figures in the corners of the room. I look down at my hands where I find myself in possession of a scalpel. I continue to scan down to the operating table in front of me where I find the open chest cavity of who I assume to be my patient. There is more thick, congealing blood covering their body and dripping on to the floor around me. I look up again and see that my 'assistants' have moved simultaneously closer to me. I flick my eyes around the room and realise there is no door. No way out. Then I hear a familiar but weakened voice_

_"Zoshie?" It calls me by my mother's pet name. "Zoshie why are you doing this to me? Look what you've done to your Mama." Mama? I spin my head back round and see the shape of a head underneath a blue plastic sheet. It moves up and down slightly as my patient breathes. I take a step closer to the end of the operating table. My assistants take another silent step with me. "Why are you scared Zoshie? You started this, you need to finish what you've begun." They take another step. I reach out my hand and stop momentarily as I feel the cool plastic sheet against my finger tips. Another step. I lift it up slowly and to my horror I reveal my Mama's face, pale and drained of all life, her cheeks are stained with tears and she looks so angry. I look up and the faceless figures are upon me, stretching their arms out, entrapping me in their prison. I look back down at Mama and she says just five words,_

_"It's all your fault Zosia." The arms grab me and everything goes black..._

_I wake up and I'm sweating, my throat is dry and I've been screaming. The door bursts open and a flustered and sleep deprived looking Dom flys in, his eyes are wide and filled with fear as he flicks the light on._

_"Zosia what the hell?" He walks in and shuts the door behind him, sitting on the end of my bed as I slide myself up in bed and place my hand against my racing heart._

"I..I just had a weird dream" my voice croaks and wobbles as attempt to shake off his concern and he hands me the bottle of water from my bedside table. Nodding a thank you at him, I take a long drink from the cool bottle. He blinks, I'm guessing as his eyes come into focus, then he just stares at me until I finish drinking. "What?" I query a little sharply and my voice is still weak and a bit shaky. I run my hands over my face, in an attempt to stall so I can find a way of getting out of this without explaining myself, but it's only then that I realise I've been crying from the tears on my cheeks. I feel the bed move underneath me as Dom crawls up and sits next to me, throwing an arm around my shoulders. Without thinking about it I lean into him, I'm exhausted and all I can see is my Mama's pale face in the back of my mind. Before I can stop my emotions taking hold of me, I feel my body shake and jolt as I sob into his arms and he holds onto me tightly. I try to focus all my thoughts on to his voice; calming and settling me. All I want to do is forget everything I've just heard from my own Mama, he keeps telling me it's not real but I'm doubting myself and the stream of tears flowing down my face is never ending. I don't remember much after that, I assume I cried myself to sleep because I wake up wrapped with a blanket over my shoulders and my nose feels blocked.

An hour later I walk into our shared kitchen, I'm dressed and ready to go for work, making a coffee as I'm sure I'll need it after the restless night. I'm dreading seeing Dom after the way I embarrassed myself but I'm also wondering whether Arthur heard the commotion. I'm sat at the kitchen table for a while, cupping the warm drink in my hands as I try to think about the day ahead and not of last night, then Dom walks in. He smiles at me and as normal he's bright and cheery as he chants

"Morning Zoshie" I glare at him for calling me that "You ready to go?" I remember that Arthur's not in work today and wonder whether I'm in for an awkward journey to work.


	2. Chapter 2

**Right, so here's chapter 2, it's gone a bit weird but hopefully it's ok. **

**Also, thank you to MirrorSparkles1234 for reading a few bits and giving me some ideas (which I plan to use in my next chapter)**

Surprisingly he doesn't say anything about it..he attempts to make small talk but doesn't even give me so much as a reassuring look that he won't tell anyone. We arrive onto the ward ten minutes early where I hurry into the locker room and get changed into my scrubs, they're a snazzy raspberry colour which I much prefer to Darwin's boring blue, they washed me out and made me look rather vampiric. I decide to sit on one of the benches for a moment and I rest my head in the palms of my hands with my eyes tightly closed...

_"Zoshie, why are you doing this to me?"_ her pale face is staring back at me, the dark circles round her eyes make her look exhausted, she looks like she's dying...

"Dr March?...Zosia!" I jump up, startled as I hear a voice calling me. Colette's stood in front of me, eyes wide with a concerned expression on her face, "Zosia?..are you ok?" she queries as I stand up and straighten my scrubs out.

"Fine." I reply bluntly, then I walk out and slam the door a little too hard behind me, bumping into Sacha on my way out who gives me a confused look, apologises and gestures at me to come with him as we walk up towards Dom who's chatting away happily to one of the nurses.

Later on, me and Dom are assessing a patient who's come in with acute abdominal pain, he's examining her and I'm trying to keep my mind on the job and make an effort to look focused. Without me realising, Sacha comes up behind me and puts an arm around my shoulder,

"so, what're we thinking Dr March?" I knock his bear like arm away with a scowl and look helplessly at Dom because I've barely been paying attention to what's happening.

"I..I um" I'm babbling like an idiot when Dom interrupts.

"Uh Mr Levy I'm -" Sacha cuts in, he raises his voice which shocks us both

"I was asking Dr March thank you Dr Copeland!" I find myself backing up slowly, I'm wanting to escape as I stutter

"I'm not..I don't know" everyone in the cubicle is staring at me, the patient very loudly and rudely bellows

"She doesn't even know what she's doing. Barely out of nappies and you're letting them lose on the public? I want a proper doctor OR I'm making a complaint!" Sacha flashes me a look of anger and through gritted teeth orders

"My office Dr March. Now."

I follow him into the small room where he shuts the blinds and sits in the chair behind his desk. I put my hands into the pockets of my scrub trousers to hide the fact I'm shaking like a dried out autumn leaf.

"What's going on with you Zosia? You're a bright girl, you've got potential to be an amazing doctor..why aren't you putting the effort in?" he asks me, he's glaring straight at me and I don't know how to reply without bursting into tears.

"I am" It comes out as practically a whisper and there are butterflies dancing around like crazy in my stomach.

"You're not though are you?" He raises his voice once again and I swallow the lump in my throat. "You stand in the background, the diagnosis never comes from you. You can't hide behind Arthur and Dom, you've got the potential to shine and you're-" He's interrupted by Dom bursting through the door,

"Sorry Mr Levy, it's Ms Harrison" he rolls his eyes and summons me to follow him as he runs over to the patient. We arrive by the bed side and Ms Harrison is writhing in pain,

"Right, I'm pretty sure it's apendicitis..we need to get her into theatre now!" He shouts over the commotion of the ward "Dr March I want you in with me." He instructs me to follow him, I'm trying to think of every possible way I could get out of it but he see's me hesitate. "No excuses Zosia. Scrub in!"

We're in theatre two and they've just anethetised the patient, my gloved hands are clasped together and the bright lights are making my head spin. I'm desperately trying to focus my line of sight on one spot.

"Dr March would you like to make the first incision please" Sacha orders more than asks.

"I.." I decide against refusing, I know it's a waste of time.

_"It's all your fault Zosia."_

I keep hearing my Mama's voice over and over in my head, which is still spinning as the lights seem to flicker. I take a step towards the operating table.

_'My assistants take another silent step forward with me'_

I look across to Sacha and take the silver scalpel he's holding out in front of me. I find myself using all my effort to stop my hand from shaking.

_'I look up and the faceless figures are upon me, stretching their arms out, entrapping me in their prison.'_

I lift my hand up and raise it in line with the patient's abdomen. 'One straight incision' I tell myself 'you'll be fine when you start'. I try to imagine my Mama whispering sweet polish words in my ear, calming me, reassuring me. All I can hear is her blaming me. I can feel the tears beginning to fill my eyes and my chest his rising and falling more and more rapidly. I realise I'm breathing extremely quickly, my vision starts to blur and my head's swimming with thoughts. My ears are filled with all the horrible things my 'Mama' said to me. I step back from the table feeling like a failure.

"I..I can't" I can barely speak through hyperventilating and I feel my hand lose grip on the scalpel. I can hear people calling my name around me, then everything has gone black.

**So, there you have it, sorry the chapters are so short, this just felt like a good place to finish. :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello my duckies, I'm sorry it's been so long (and Katie I'm sorry I nearly killed you with my cliff hanger) anyway, hope you enjoy it :) **

_I'm lay flat and there are blinding lights glaring into my eyes. I look to my right and she's lay there on an operating table next to me, my Mama. I tried to call out to her but my mouth feels glued shut and no sound comes out._

"Zosia? Zosh, can you hear me?" I wake up hearing a familiar voice next to me and open my eyes to see the bright white walls and blue curtains of Keller ward. I blink a few times as my eyes adjust to the lighting and realise I'm lay on a bed. "Well good morning Dr March" I hear the voice again from beside me and look around to see Colette sitting next to me. Eugh. My mouth feels dry and my head's pounding as I sit up and 'she' shuffles the pillows behind me.

"What-" I go to enquire about what the hell is going on but she interrupts,

"You passed out in theatre Zosia." With that single sentence it all comes flooding back to me and I start hoping and praying for the floor to open up beneath me and swallow me whole right there and then. "What's going on love?" I sit myself up properly and my head is spinning like a top as my vision blurs. 'She' sticks a cardboard kidney dish in front of my face and although my stomach is churning and I can feel the bile rising in my throat, I knock it away with the back of my hand and shoot the older woman a glare. She sighs at me and turns around to pick up the dish off the floor. As her back is turned I swing my legs over the other side of the bed and stand up but moving too quickly means I find myself falling. I feel her arm around my shoulders as my body sways unsteadily and she moves me back towards the bed. I know it's what I need, and all I really want to do is sleep but I want to get away from her, I will not explain myself to Guy's fancy woman. I weakly order her

"Get off me" and stumble towards the nearby toilets.

After throwing every possible morsel that was left in my stomach, and a little more, I decide to go into the on call room for a while, mainly to avoid prying eyes and gossips like Marie-Claire Carter. I lower myself slowly onto the bed and my head is still thumping, along with my stomach whirling like an ocean in a storm.

_"Zoshie?"_ I'm hearing her voice again, it's like she's haunting me, _"Zoshie? What are you doing?"_ _I'm lay in that darkened theatre again, the faceless figures are looming over me. I can hear their heavy breathing through the paper masks. There's a far away creak as a door opens..._

"Zosh?" There's a hand lightly shaking my shoulder as I begin to wake up in the darkened room I try to focus my eyes on the figure sat next to me. "You scared me in there Zosia, I didn't know you were a fainter" Dom jokes in caring fashion as he nudges me with his elbow. I groan and roll over before mumbleing

"Does everyone know?" from underneath my duvet haven. I hear him chuckle quietly beside me before he pushes me over and shuffles into the bed next to me, wrapping his head around my shoulder.

"Well, everyone on Keller...and MC found out from somewhere so she'll probably tell the new HCA...and she's Mo Effanga's sister who's apparently like the biggest mouth on Darwin so..expect Naylor to be gossiping about you by tea time I guess."

"uhhhh shit shit shit! Why do these things happen to _me_ Dom?" I moan as I bury my face into his body. He laughs at me again and hugs me tighter,

"because Zoshie-"

"Don't call me that!" I snap back unintentionally "...sorry." He carries on regardless,

"because, you're special, and a little bit weird, but that's why we put up with you" he kisses me on the top of my head, just like Mama used to do and I close my eyes for a moment, her face swimming into my mind. "So what's going on March?" I knew this was coming and I just hide myself further into the bed and groan. "Come on Zosia, talk to uncle Dom...pleeeease"

"I'm fine" I lie, I know I'm not but in the same way, I don't know _what's _wrong with me.

"Zosh. Come on, we can both pretend that last night didn't happen but that's not going to help. What's this all about?" I close my eyes again as I give myself time to think.

_"Come on Zoshie. Why are you doing this Zoshie?"_

Why can't I get her voice out of my head!?

"My Mama" I choke out as once again tears are rolling down my cheeks. Dom pulls me closer to him and hugs me tightly as I sob shakily.

After a while he pulls me up into a sitting position, with his hands grasped tightly on my shoulders. I feel so stupid and I can barely stand to look him in the eyes as he wipes the tears from my face.

"Right. I reckon Levy will be wondering where you are and I'm pretty sure he feels rather guilty about your little episode earlier" he winks at me and flashes me his cheeky grin, "come here" he ushers me forward as I flop my arms around his neck and let out a sigh. Then he pulls me up to my feet and we stand by the door for a moment,

"Go get 'em Zosh" he tells me with a smile. I laugh and smile at him as I joke

"Why do you have to be gay Copeland?"

We walk out onto the ward together and immediately Sacha runs over to me in a fluster,

"Zosia I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to put so much pressure on you. Please, feel free to take the rest of your shift off and go home." I shake my head and plaster a fake smile on my face,

"Don't worry Mr Levy, I'm fine honsetly." That's a lie I seem to be telling a lot lately.

"Zosia I don't think-" I interrupt him before he mentions 'the incident' again,

"I just skipped breakfast, honestly I _am_ fine." There I go again with these white lies.

"Right ok. Well go and get something sugary, on me, then I've got a nice juicy case of varicose veins for you and Dr Copeland." He goes to hand me a £10 note but before I can refuse Dom snatches it and jeers

"I never say no to free coffee!" then links my arms and practically drags me down the stairs to Pulses.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello my lovelies! Here's your final chapter...**

We arrive back onto the ward as Dom stuffs the remainders of a chocolate muffin in his mouth, even though he's spent the majority of yesterday evening complaining about how 'everything goes to his hips'. I walk off quickly into the locker room to return my hoodie into my bag, where I almost bump straight into Arthur.

"Oh I..um..ah sorry" he stutters at me. "Hey, are you...are you ok? I urr - I heard you collapsed..." Bloody hell it really has gotten everywhere!

"I'm fine" I reassure him but he looks at be disapprovingly. "Just leave me alone Arthur" I order him. Which in turn leads him to reply with an apology

"Yes of course, I um... sorry" before he scampers off across the ward.

I walk slowly back on to Keller and wander over to Dom and Sacha who are stood next to an elderly patient in bed 3.

"This is Dr Copeland, he's going to do his best to find out what's wrong with you" I hear the consultant reassure the grey haired woman. "And this" he smiles as he sets eyes on me walking towards him, "this is Dr March, she's another one of our bright young doctors." I crack a small smile back to my mentor and greet my patient. Me and Dom are told that she's had some scans done and Sacha sends a nurse off to track down the results. I'm smirking at Dom as he does his usual routine of flirting with the patient, to make him favourite doctor, when I spy Colette walking over to me. What on earth could she possibly want now?

"Dr March" she bellows, "Mr Self would like to see you in his office." I shoot her a glare and snap back

"Can't you see I'm busy? He'll have to wait, he can come and find me if it's that important."

"Zosia." She's using a stern tone with me, like she always did when I was younger. "I'm sure Dr Copeland is big enough and ugly enough to cope with Mrs Carter without you for ten minutes. Now get." She points me in the direction of the lift but I roll my eyes and walk in the opposite direction to the stairwell. She follows me anyway and I hiss under my breath,

"I don't need a chaperone."

I reach his office, the stupid over the top plack on his door reads 'Guy Self - Consultant Neurosurgeon - CEO' and I have to stop myself from ripping it down as I knock firmly on the door.

"Come in" he signals abruptly. I stroll in just as confidently and stand myself in front of the desk.

"Ahh Zoshie, take a seat" his tone softens as he speaks to me and I glare back and reply,

"Don't call me that. What do you want?" He sighs at me like I'm still an unruly teenager,

"Fine, as you please." His reply to my disobedience is irritatingly calm. "I heard about your little incident in theatre today, I just wanted to make sure everything is ok Zosh."

"Absolutely fine. Not that it's any of your business." I reply, he chooses now to be concerned about me and it makes my skin crawl.

"I'm your father Zosia, I do worry about you, as much as you'd like to believe otherwise; tesknie za toba Zosie." I shoot him an angry glare as I try to control my temper.

"Don't do that. Don't pretend like you can make up for this now. You say you care about me, well where were you when she died? Where were you when I needed you?"

"Zosia you know I-"

"No. You were too busy worrying about yourself and drowning your own sorrows in a bottle of scotch!" I'm so furious at him for what he did to me and he's sat there like Mr important trying to tell me he cares.

"I'm sorry, you know I would take it back if I could but I can't. I'm trying to make it up to you Zosia but you won't let me in." He's trying to pull the sympathy act on me and I laugh bitterly back in his face.

"Make it up to me? How on earth do you plan to do that? You let me find out that my Mother was dead from Colette. You left me to sort everything out because you were to drunk to stand! I was surprised you even came to her funeral you know and yet you wonder why I hate you so much?" He is staring back at me with a hurt facial expression and I can make out a tear forming in the corner of his eye. He swallows hard and clears his throat before he replies,

"Is that really what you think of me Zosia? You hate me?" I say nothing in reply to this but continue to stare at him in hope of an explanation. His voice cracks slightly as he says "Let me remind you something Zosia, you're Mother was also my wife. She was the only woman I had ever loved, the person I had spent most of my life with and she was gone. I was on my own and the only other person who could understand exactly what I was feeling didn't know and I was sworn to secrecy. I was hurting and I had no one to go to, by the time you'd finished your exams it had all gotten to much and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger."

"So why didn't you just tell me?" I snap back as I feel tears begin to well in my eyes and I lower myself into the chair in front of his desk.

_'Zoshie. What are you doing Zoshie? Why are you doing this?'_ her voice rings in my ears once again.

"I could've handled it. Surely it would've been better for me to have to retake a year than to find my father dead in a ditch somewhere!" Now he's the one staring back at me, a single tear falls down his cheek and he's white with shock.

"Is that really what you thought was going to happen?" He asks sincerly before he stands up and walks round his desk. "Is that what this is all about?" I try not make eye contact with his as he kneels down next to my chair.

"I...I didn't want to loose you Dad" I whisper weakly. "I've already lost Mama and I don't think I could cope if you were gone too."

"I am so sorry Zosh... You know, one of the last things your Mama told me to do was 'to look after her little Zoshie'. Great job I did of that one." There's a stream of tears flowing freely down his face now and my heart breaks a little at the thought of my Mama's last wish. I throw myself forward and wrap my arms around his neck, he sniffs and sobs innocently as I hold on to him as tight as possible. It makes me realise how much I miss this, how much I miss him but also how much I miss my Mama.

_A few months later..._

It's the one year anniversary of Mama's death tomorrow and Dad has told me to come up to his office late that evening. I knock on the door and enter to see him leaning on the desk with an envelope in his hand and two suitcases on the floor next to him. I throw him a baffled look and he says nothing but hands me the brown envelope. The flap isn't stuck down, just tucked in, so I unfold it carefully and pull out two plane tickets. They read _'London Heathrow to Krakow'_. He's still stood there grinning at me as stutter,

"Wh-What? I don't..what?" He laughs at me lightly before he begins to explain.

"I haven't forgotten what tomorrow is you know Zoshie" he says solemnly, "I also haven't forgotten that it's your birthday next week either, so, I figured we could take a little trip together, like we used to do with Mama." I'm absolutely lost for words so I just leap forward and hug him as he smiles.

The next day, after a reasonably trouble free flight (as trouble free as floating through the sky in a metal box can be) we arrive at Krakow airport and Dad has got a very mischievous look in his eye. We negotiate our way out of the airport and he flags down a taxi, handing the driver a piece of paper before helping him load the cases into the boot as I climb in.

"So.. are you going to tell me where we're going?" I query rather impatiently, wondering where he's taking me. He shakes his head with a rather curious smile on his face as he pulls a black piece of silk out of his jacket pocket. "Oh no! No no no you are not" I try and get myself out of this as he uses it to cover my eyes and ties it at the back of my head. I then spend the rest of the journey in silence, trying to listen out for anything that might tell me where we are.

After around a twenty minute journey we pull up and I here Dad pay the taxi driver and say "Dziekuje." Then he takes my hand silently and leads me out of the car into the cool Polish air then sits me on what feels like a wall and says "just sit there for a moment." I then hear his footsteps fade away as he walks back to the car and the rattle of the plastic suitcase wheels on gravel getting louder as he returns. "Right. Are you ready?" he asks me, there are butterflies in my stomach and I just manage to murmur before I struggle with the knot on the back of my head.

I open my eyes to find that we're still in Krakow and I'm looking over the city. I hear a light cough from behind me and see Dad stood in front of Wawel Castle - Mama's favourite place - with two purple balloons tied on white ribbons in his hand. He's looking at me hopefully and I barely manage to croak out

"What are they for?" They're Mama's favourite colour, and on closer inspection I see that there are two little cards tied on to the end of them. He smiles back at me again and starts to explain,

"I thought it might be nice to write her a little message..what you would've said to her if you could've. Then we can let go of them over the city and have a little wander around the castle." My eyes widen as he continues and he adds, "only if you want to of course!" I can't help but laugh at him and smile.

"Of course I want to, this is lovely Dad, thank you." He smiles again and replies,

"It's the least I can do in consideration, we never got to grieve for her properly together and I know I should be there for you while you do." He brings a tear my eye as I realise how far we've come and how much closer we are now.

We spend an hour outside, looking over the city, talking about Mama and sharing what we have written in each of out respective notes. In mine I tell Mama I love her and miss her, I thank her for being so selfless in what she did and I tell her I'm sorry for how I reacted because I understand why now. Dad tells her he's sorry for not looking after me as he should have but I know that if she were here right now she would be so proud of him and I am too. We've overcome a lot, me and my Dad, and I know that in the long run we have become stronger people for it.

We walked to the edge of the castle grounds so we are stood right over the Polish city, the air is cool and fresh as we're higher than the pollution of modern Krakov. We both release the bright purple balloons at the same time and watch as they drift higher and higher into the clouds, until they are nothing but two tiny specks in the sky. I like to believe that at night Mama watches down on us from the stars, and although those tiny specks of light in the sky are insignificant and small to some people, I know that they are much more. I will always love my Mama and I would do anything to have her back here with me, singing Polish songs in my ear. I know she's at peace now though, and so am I.

**Thank you all for reading, I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have writing it. Please leave me a review and let me know what you think. :) **


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